thought studying programming in college would make me wanna code more, not less. smh how am i gonna land a job by next year.
i'm tired. i lack any sliver of motivation. i literally lost like half of my interests from right before i started college and gained no new ones. except i play csgo from time to time tho i still suck.
i wanna draw, i wanna write, i wanna do shit and i sometimes even have ideas but i find myself staring at a blank screen for like 15 mins and then go do something else.
i now have this guy i call my boyfriend. he sleeps, eats, plays video games all day, walks the dog and that's it. says he doesn't care about school and all of that. dunno if he really cares for anything anyway. at least i'm not (that) mad at him anymore. i suppose i just had a bad day.
wish i could also just not care, but i sometimes wonder if he really doesn't.
eh.
things will get better. i'll be better.
for the love of all that is sacred in this damned universe, do you like me or not? of course you do, or else you wouldn't go out with me. that's what you said, right?
why do you even go out with me anyway?
i miss you every week. i count the damn days until the next saturday when i'll be able to see a lil bit more than the damn kaneki profile pic. and then we go out, walk around a bit, talk for like 30 minutes and just sit in silence for the next hour or so. and we hold hands, we kiss, we hug, it feels so nice to sit next to you, i think about these moments a lot. but there's always something missing.
it's so obvious sometimes how little of a fuck you give about me and it hurts.
are you still afraid to fall in love because of that girl?
fine.
WHY DID YOU START FLIRTING WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?
why do i still like you.
did i make a mistake.
you told me to break up with you if i feel you're not enough.
even worse, i feel like you could be. you just can't be arsed.
why did you say that back then? is it that easy for you? would it really not affect you in the slightest if i left like that?
if it's that easy...
do you even feel anything in the first place?
thx for listening to me last night when no one else did. i really enjoyed talking to you.
fuck you